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I just need to vent. Not that anyone will read this or care or whatever, but it helps to have it written somewhere.
I am just so tired. I’m exhausted. I’m not physically tired, but I just need to shut my emotions down for a good while. I wish there was a switch I could pull so that I didn’t have to feel anything, even if it was just for an hour.
Years of feeling completely inadequate take their toll. It doesn’t help that I only make friends with people who are smarter, prettier, richer, or cooler than i am. It just magnifies all the places I already feel like I don’t measure up. I never get a break from the reminders that I’m not good enough.
That’s the other thing. I’m not good enough. I haven’t been single since I was 15, and yet, not one of those guys has ever loved me. They have taken advantage of me, physically and emotionally, used me for their own needs, but never once did any of them love me. And I’m so lonely. There’s nothing like being with someone when it’s obvious they only keep you around so they don’t have to be alone either.
Some little girls dream of being a star, having an amazing job, getting a dream wedding, marrying prince charming, but not me. Sure, I want all that, but more than that I just want to be loved. More than anything in this world. I think more than I want to be thin, I want to be loved, and if you knew me at all, you would know what that means. The thing is, I’ve had prince charming, but it doesn’t matter if prince charming doesn’t love you.
Then comes settling for the guy who is nothing like prince charming. You know he’s nothing special, but maybe it takes someone mediocre to love someone else who’s mediocre. But even he doesn’t love you, despite “trying to make himself feel something for you”. It doesn’t hurt, because this is nothing new, but it just amplifies all of the loneliness that never left.
I’m not hurt anymore. I’ve broken in so many small ways that it feels normal to be in pain. So I don’t really notice the nagging ache of being alone. But even if it doesn’t hurt, its exhausting. I’m so tired.
